I am determined to have a conversation with myself during dark and silent times. Why? I need a strong core that can handle the many changes of the external world, a core made up of words, thoughts, and aspirations that are intricately organized. Within this self, I hope to discipline myself with clear thinking, like a director or an artist, to create my life and my image. Otherwise, I have increasingly felt the pressure of unpredictability: the mundane side of humanity is approaching me, and the most feeble currents of the world are engulfing me, incorporating my joys and sorrows into a worldly order.
What a cold and cruel reality this is!
I am increasingly aware that my sense of morality, conscience, and loyalty to ideals and loved ones are gradually becoming part of public discourse: I cannot speak of them to anyone, and my thinking and memory are becoming more mundane. I only remember the things I said to colleagues and friends to show off my knowledge! My self, my deep determination, and the profound suffering I feel have all been cast aside!
I am starting to think that one day, my body and my mouth will also pour out the hatred, indifference, numbness, and mediocrity that I despise. One day, I will also be in the company of those I dislike, defending the forces I hate. At that time, perhaps I will no longer possess the strength and courage to face reality, and even then, when I look back at the words I have left behind, I will only mock and ridicule my own immaturity.
However, at this moment, I am not willing to give up. I am still determined to have a conversation with myself, to tell myself in this moment that I do not belong here, but to a more distant world. All the thoughts and qualities I possess should be transformed into the power of reality. I should neither be reckless nor underestimate myself.
Even now, an unruly and indulgent form of entertainment still lingers around me, tempting me. And the challenge that all my thoughts will face is this significant question: are you and I willing to pay the price for our ideals, for the way of life you expect?
At this moment, it is still a time for me to be vigilant and learn. Remember that any thought can only be considered meaningful after going through the process of practice and scrutiny.
Be cautious and discerning.